Love versus Like

(From the anime Vampire Knights; the blog entry has nothing to do with the anime)

(Thorn between 2 guys)



Act 1: Mr. S
On July 22, 2002, I met a boy; it was a very unusual meeting. I only saw him from afar, but I don’t know why, when my gaze landed on that boy’s eyes, time suddenly lost it’s meaning around me and this stranger. It was as if the crowd vanished around us. It’s like a reenactment of the events in the book of Genesis, in which only 2 persons are alive: Adam and Eve. However, because of a very young age, I wasn’t able to decipher that event as a love (or like??) at first sight. The truth is, even though I occasionally met up with him in pathways or canteens, I didn’t even try to ask someone about the identity of this mysterious boy. Well maybe because at that time, I had a classmate whom I am really fond of whom I described as my crush in my diary. Well during those years I only have crushes inside our classroom and I had never had a crush with someone I don’t know (not even his birth name), or so I believed.
Days and months passed but still, the identity of that boy was still kept unknown. My conscious mind seems not to care. However, I didn’t think that my unconscious does. I keep seeing him in my dreams. I can’t imagine how I had managed to hide the desire of my unknown side, the desire to know this boy’s name. And then finally, after a year or two I found out his name at last! Let us just hide him in the alias “Mr. S.” Well after that, I was so happy that I had known his name… without any assistance from anyone else. My views suddenly change. For the first time, I realize (and I finally admitted) that I had a crush on him! And it has been so long! I had told my clique about my feelings for that guy. They all supported me; however, I can’t still tell him how I feel. He is like a magnificent deer and I am a hunter. If the hunter comes close, even though he doesn’t have any bad intentions for the deer, the creature might run away. I don’t want him to go away. At that time, I can’t stand the thought of loosing him, even though he isn’t really mine. I remembered, shedding tears for this guy. At that time, I really thought I was in-love so I finally swallow my pride and tell him what I feel and sealed it in an envelope addressed to him. However, I didn’t have enough courage so I just hide under a code name. I don’t know what happened next. I was happy that he had learned about my feelings, but I’m devastated for I wasn’t courageous enough to tell him what I feel, face to face.
Then, their graduation comes. I was left in the campus, longing to see him again. The last year of highschool for me is like hell… without him.

Act 2: Mr. C
I’ve entered college, in the same University and course as of that of Mr. S. But, he is not the reason why I did that. I had dreamed to become a doctor and this Pre-Med course will help me to achieve that. So I tried my best to study, I even changed my aura. The shy, ordinary, avoidant highschool student becomes a loud, studious and histrionic college student. I even tend to forget about Mr. S, as I tend to become busy doing school works.
And that’s when fate suddenly took it’s wrong turn. On July 24, 2006, minutes before my first Prelim examination, my glances where transferred to the door which was left ajar by a guy who suddenly comes in. My head automatically moved toward that guy’s location. I didn’t know why, when I first saw him, I didn’t feel the time lost it meaning or that we are the only ones in the room, but I am sure I feel something. It is a feeling of admiration! It is because, even it’s the first time I laid my eyes on him, I can see in his aura that he is someone that you won’t be ashamed of being with. I like him since then.
Again, I didn’t tell anyone about that feeling that I felt. I didn’t even know that guy’s name. But when I passed by the bulletin board, a name catches my sight. As I read this name, I felt my heart palpitate so hard. I didn’t know why, that was weird, but I concluded that this might be the guy’s name. I called him by the second given name that I had seen listed in the bulletin, without any assurance that it was his real name (eg. The name is Juan Ponse Dela Cruz, I used the second name Ponse and not the first name Juan).
Eventually, I befriended this guy and soon we become classmates in one semester. That was my happiest semester in my college life. It is because I could see him everyday… hear his voice, be close to him and his clique, but the whim ended after the semester. We are not classmates anymore, and we would never be again. I tried to greet him, whenever we met each other in pathways, but sometimes… I don’t know why I just can’t. At that time I think my infatuation for this guy, was struggling for the next level.
And there was this girl. I heard she likes him. At first I don’t care because she doesn’t exist in my world. We become classmates but, we are just classmates and not friends; that was before! However, for my quest for the truth, I become close with that girl. I learned everything… the real thing between the two of them. A friend told me, that even Marriage could be destroyed so things such as M.U.s could be broken much faster. I laugh at that thought. Can I really do that? Can I hurt this girl whom, like me, falls in love with that same guy? And besides, as I watch that guy’s action… I realize that he also likes her. He isn’t just ready yet, for now! So fighting for a one-sided emotion like this is worthless. They both exist in my world now; I’m not rude to hurt them just because of my self-centeredness. And besides, I wonder who among the three of us would really get hurt: her, him or me?

Act 3: the Clash
I don’t know if I would tell Mr. C about my feelings. My feelings for him is different from Mr. S, I know that perfectly. These things bounce back and forth in my head causing pain. Mr. S started to show-up again. I like the idea that he is there and I could see him so I can forget about Mr. C. Funny because I could still feel the same emotions that I felt for Mr. S before, but I still become wounded by the face of Mr. C who haunts me wherever I go. I can’t really understand. Am I having a hard time to set Mr. C free because I need him or I love him that’s why I needed him so badly (Like in the movie Milan)? Do I really felt the same way for Mr. S or is this just my hypothesis because I could recall the feeling which I had perceived and felt from my previous experience, which is already stored in my subconscious (as explained in Richard Gregory’s top-down theory of perception)? Love versus like, it is really confusing. Well whoever I choose, it would just have the same outcome: a one-sided love! 